just over 6 months ago i lost my grandmother to Alzheimer's.
i miss her everyday.
but the day came and went and though she was at the forefront of my mind.
i felt a inkling of peace.
it wasn't the sting of the loss like i was use to experiencing every other month.
so i'm thinking this is normal.
good days. bad days
good months. bad months.
good years. bad years.
this is how it works.
so last week i start digging thru more boxes. we only have a couple that we've not unpacked yet. mostly books. but in our guest room closet there are a few boxes that i know are mostly sentimental items and don't plan on unpacking. but i was convinced that somewhere in that closet there was a box of baby clothes that surely i had kept. admittedly I'm panicking at the thought that we have NOTHING left from our two children. but i found a box. my good intention box. the box that houses all the adorable little onesies & booties that i can not part with. the ones that i keep telling myself i'm going to use for a memory quilt for each of the kids. (who am i kidding....they've been sitting there for nearly 5 years.)
anyway....i find the box i brought home from missouri when i went in july. when we went thru my grandma's things. i got all kinds of "stuff" handmade quilts, afghans, dolls she loved, jewelery, linens, little what nots, her scissors that she used every single day when she was crocheting or sewing. an ancient antique crochet book and everyone of her crochet needles. thimbles, china...amazing stuff that isn't worth anything to anyone else but me.
my very favorite items that i brought home with me from that trip are these old bottles of avon perfume. her favorite perfume. she sold avon for years. and she had ALOT of perfume...but this was her fave. and i can remember her getting ready before we would go out to dinner or shopping or something and she would spray some on right before she walked out the door. and then i'd have to sit in the car with her.....trying not to breathe. i can remember thinking it was the WORSE smelling stuff ever. it was so dated....like old woman perfume. that's what it was.
when we were going thru her stuff...my cousin, aunt & my mom....we took bags of stuff to goodwill. and when we found all this perfume my aunt started pulling it all out and putting it in the garbage. when i saw it i grabbed one and they all looked at me like i had lost my ever loving mind. when i lifted the cap i put my nose to the bottle and she was right there with me. it was exactly what she smelled like every single day of my life. of her life. of the life she led before she got sick. it was the most amazing thing how overcome with emotion i was when i smelled that old bottle of perfume. she was there with me. right beside me. and i could see how young she was and how much she had changed at the end. and i couldn't let go of the bottle. i took 5 bottles. they all thought i was nuts. i've not had the courage to open up the bottles since being home. i'm not ready. but i have them and i know someday i'll get there. i'll be able to open up a bottle and probably laugh at how awful it smells but remember how much i loved the scent of that woman.