a ka-trillion thoughts
no way to get them all down but this is what happens when you spend the entire weekend at church, praying, fasting, enjoying the company and thought provoking ideas of others, and reading and finishing a book that you've been working on for well over a month. Soooo much to take in and so much to say but i'll never get it all out coherantly.
My thought for now..and where i've been for several weeks now is simply about "stuff" and how much i consume and think i need. how to the rest of the world i have so much...yet when i look in the mirror somedays or even look around the rooms in my house, my mind begins to wander and i become consumed with how much more i think i need. and why? do i think i will finally be "full" once i get my house "perfect" in my eyes...i mean, who am i trying to impress/please anyway? i hate to admit it but probably about 90% of the stuff i own is for other people. my house is suppose to look a certain way, i'm suppose to dress a certain way, my hair should be streaked w/ the perfect $150 highlights. i've touched on this in previous months but i've not changed anything. i've continued to go out and consume, buy, and stock myself, my house & my family full of crap we don't need.
just looking at food. a huge downfall for me is my love for eating out...or more so, my laziness in not wanting to cook. today, i spent $17 on lunch for me & hudson ...he's 4! and granted, we are eating the leftovers for dinner...and i'm feeding my entire family of 4 off of them...it doesn't justify the fact that i simply didn't need to eat out. when i look in my pantry or fridge and think ...there is nothing to eat....who am i kidding? i could feed an entire Ugandan tribe with the leftovers in my fridge or the rice in my pantry...the stuff i don't want to eat.
so my question and prayer for myself is that the conviction i feel now...and have been struggling with does not go away. that i will continue to feel this conviction to the depth of my soul until i can pray to be truly released from it.
Michelle said something yesterday in bible study that hit me like a ton of bricks. she mentioned that many times we pray to be healed or made well....but in all actuality do we really want to be well? do we really want to let go of that which we claim holds power over us? do i really want to face the fact that i'm selfish and materialistic when it comes right down to it? that i place importance on how things look and the image that i portrey? the very things i claim i'm not "about" are the things i pray will be taken from me. my need to consume. my need to acquire. my need to "fill up" with stuff that does nothing but collect dust and end up at the goodwill or in the ebay pile. it's a ridiculous cycle that i'm ashamed to participate in. and while i'm sure there are others that consume more or spend more there are certainly people out there that would be beyond thrilled to be where i am.
so when will i be able to pray the true authentic prayer that i need in order to be redeemed and restored?
i don't know.
i may never get there.
but i hope that everyday i am reminded of what i have and how much of it i don't even need.