i watched grey's anatomy a couple weeks ago when George's dad died. i specifically remember Christine going out and telling George about her father dying. and i remember her saying she couldn't imagine existing on this earth w/ out her father. when she said that it hit me that was exactly what i felt when i lost my grannie. i not only simply existed in this world for 30 years with her but i truly lived and was alive and well because of this woman. so looking back on the past year i simply realize that in the moment of losing her i could not imagine taking another breath w/out her on this earth. yet, i managed. i've existed for an entire year. sometimes barely hanging on. sometimes overcome with such intense emptiness that i honestly didn't know if i could wake up and live another day w/out calling her as i had done so many other days of my life. days when my body literally ached from sobbing and feeling hollow and empty and as if i'd never win that battle. i can remember in the end...when she was so ill. waiting. knowing that the day would come. the phone call would happen. the arrangements would have to be made and i could barely imagine how i would even begin to cope. but i have. mainly because of my faith and my desire to understand the true meaning of death and passing and also because of the amazing support system i've had in my church, my family & my friends. always comforting. always encouraging. always praying. so after a year....i still grieve. i think that in just a few more weeks i will give birth to my 3rd child ...... the one and only child that will never have been held in the arms of my grandmother. the one and only child that will never know her sweet kisses. the one and only child that will never see her light up when he enters and room or laugh when he toddles over to climb on her lap, who will never recieve a birthday card from her on his first birthday or his first christmas. the one and only child who will someday ask me who she was because he never had the chance to know her. i grieve selfishly for her. but i still exist here w/out her. it's not easy....it's the hardest thing i've ever had to do...but i'm doing it. i'm making it. we all are.