i suppose since it's friday and the weekend is upon us i should be welcoming it with open arms. however, i find myself still feeling a bit out of sorts. this has been a hard week. a number of things sent me into the abyss of bitterness but i find it interesting as i sit here now to type it all out that none of it even seems that significant. with the exception of the Virginia Tech shootings. which i guess is where it all started but as i look back over the week i think i used it as a lousy excuse to just complain about life in general. various conversations and events this week just left me with the feeling of "who gives a crap"...which in and of itself is ridiculous because I GIVE A CRAP!!! that's the problem! i open my mouth and speak and say things that i really need to just keep to myself. my mental process is never a censored one. i attach to life too easily. feel to much. care too much. i speak too freely. share too much. which has become an increasingly large pain in my ass, quite frankly. i've become very aware of this problem of mine over the course of the last year and it annoys me. as much as i become frustrated with other people who seem to walk through life oblivious to what is going on around them and are too self absorbed or otherwise preoccupied to care, i must admit that at times, like this week for instance, that i desperately would like to be that person.
for a day, or two or ten i'd love to just wake up and let everyone else around me pick up the slack. i'd like for them to worry about ME. i'd like for THEM to be the bigger person. the peacemaker. the carer. the giver. all the while i would sit back and just soak it up w/out a single fleeting moment of guilt. i'd like to be that person. the one who is a lousy friend....never truly listening but instead wondering when they'll get a chance to talk. i wish i could be the person who just said, "fine! screw up your life and see if i care!" and really MEAN it....and didn't lose sleep over it. i wish i could just be that selfish. i want to say what i really mean, what i really feel and what's really in my heart and not just what i'm SUPPOSE to say because it's the right thing to do. and NONE of this means i can't be this person sometimes.....because let's face it....i definatley have the ability to do this....it's just that with my pleasure and self absorbtion comes overwhelming guilt. so really, what fun is that?
basically all of this to say this week has been one of those weeks where i just feel blah. where i just want to say screw it and lay around eating crap all day and not caring if my ass grows to the size of a small country. one of those weeks where i want to sit back and let my phone ring and answer it finding a concerned and loving friend on the other end willing to listen to me ramble and rant. a week where i don't have to act first or care or love or do anything first! where i don't have to be the good listener, the problem solver or the sounding board for everyone else's crap. a week where i want what i want and by golly who cares about the logistics of it all. the week where i say to somone, ya know what, i don't freakin' care! and then i turn out my lights and sleep more soundly that ever before!
but i won't. and i can't. and that's ok. it's not me. it doesn't suit me.
but gosh, it would be nice if it did.